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Separation: a performance in three parts

Part 1. The Fractional distillation of Brexit

Because they have different boiling points, the countries in the European Union can be separated using fractional distillation. The EU is heated until it boils and then the vaporised countries are entered into the bottom of the fractionating column and its countries allowed to condense at different temperatures.

Countries with high boiling points condense at the bottom and countries with low boiling points condense at the top. As they go up the column the temperature decreases. The vaporised countries condense back into solid countries and the countries can be removed from the sides of the column.

Fractional distillation of the European Union works because the different countries in the coalition have different boiling points. By this method the United Kingdom can, with the correct equipment, be simply separated from the rest of the EU.

Part 2. Invoking article 50 for Bita and Jaakko

It’s good to be here in this great city of Helsinki today at a critical time in the evolution of the relationship between Bita and Jaakko.

It was here, more than anywhere else, that the Moomins began – a period of history that inspired decades of creativity and critical thought across our continent and which, in many ways defined, what it meant to live in a contemporary society.

A period of history whose example shaped the modern world. A period of history that teaches us that when we come together in a spirit of ambition and innovation, we have it within ourselves to do great things.

That shows us that if we open our minds to new thinking and new possibilities, we can forge a better, brighter future for all our peoples.

And that is what I want to focus on today. For we are moving through a new and critical period in the history of Bita and Jaako’s relationship.

Bita and Jaakko have decided to end their marriage; and to be global, free-trading individuals, able to chart their own way in the world.

This is an exciting time, full of promise.
I look ahead with optimism, believing that they can use this moment to change, not just their relationship, but also the way they do things at home, this will be a defining moment in their history.

It is an exciting time. They are beginning a new chapter in the story of their development.

They have made a choice.

But having made this choice, the question now is whether Bita and Jaakko can demonstrate that creativity, that innovation, that ambition that they need to shape a new partnership to the benefit of them both.

I believe they must. And I believe they can.

For while their divorce is inevitably a difficult process, it is in their interests for negotiations to succeed. If they were to fail, or be divided, the only beneficiaries would be those who reject our values and oppose our interests.

The eyes of the world are on them, but if they can be imaginative and creative about the way they establish this new relationship, if they can proceed on the basis of trust in each other, I believe we can be optimistic about the future they can build.

Part 3. Gin and tonic get a divorce

Grounds for divorce

When you apply for a divorce you’ll need to prove that your alcoholic drink has broken down. You’ll need to give one of the following 5 reasons.


Your sprit or mixer has had sexual intercourse with another beverage.
You can not give adultery as a reason if your drink has been together as a cocktail for six months after you found out about it.

Unreasonable behaviour

Your spirit or mixer has behaved in such a way that you cannot reasonably be expected to drink it:

This could include:
•physical violence
•verbal abuse, such as insults or threats
•drunkenness or drug-taking
•refusing to pay for housekeeping


Your spirit or mixer has left you:
•without your agreement
•without a good reason
•to end your relationship
•for more than 2 years in the past 2.5 years

They have been apart for more than 2 years

They can apply for a divorce if they have been apart for more than 2 years and both agree to the divorce.
The spirit and mixer must agree in writing.

They have lived apart for at least 5 years

They can apply for a divorce if they have been apart for at least 5 years, even if the spirit, or the mixer, disagrees.